Sunday, December 15, 2013

Unfriended from Facebook?

10 ridiculous reasons for which I was ‘un-friended’ and blocked on Facebook

I was sent to the gallows on Facebook. PHOTO: FACEBOOK
I am probably one of the very first people after Mark Zuckerberg to have joined this most readily available medium of connecting with old friends, existing colleagues and future soul mates; yes, I am talking about Facebook.
Like every bald-headed, pot-bellied film director who does not even have the contacts to arrange the appropriate number of extras to dance behind a newbie actress in his never-to-hit-top-charts upcoming movie, but still insists that he is the mentor behind the success of every highest-paid star, I also take this privilege of being that one friend-in-need who invited nearly every close pal to this medium.
If many of my readers are younger than me, let me clarify that back in the stone-ages, Facebook was a ‘by invite only’ social medium enjoyed exclusively by the sprouting social media royals. The ones who were not lucky enough to know me, while openly gossiping about the alleged affair of the Teacher’s Assistant (TA) with someone whom the TA had never even seen, would contact (read request) me via other media such as friends and friends of friends.
As my Facebook brood kept multiplying, so did my stalking skills.
There were days when I would go to Liberty Market and practically everyone I saw, seemed to be a known face, thanks to my Facebook tourism skills. This was a world where only new-borns and aliens arrived like divas on a red carpet. There seldom existed an exit door until I realised, after opening a friend’s cousin’s sister-in-law’s profile, that I had been deleted.
Something rang inside my head.
I sat myself down and decided to find what else Facebook had in store for me. Many of the ‘friends’ I had on my list seemed to be missing. While some had taken this opportunity to simply ‘un-friending me’, others had actually taken the pain of ‘blocking’ me, thereby completely removing my existence from their (Facebook) lives.
So, instead of enjoying my holiday and going out for a walk in the beautiful autumn evening of Islamabad, I sat in my completely dishevelled hotel room trying to sort this serious life-wrecking mess out. It seems that I lost some ‘friends’ on Facebook due to the following reasons:
1. I practically ridiculed every Naik Parveen in sight by sharing updates from the famous page and also created my own re-mixed DJ versions.

I am sorry but I cannot stand your oozing love for your to-be or not-to-be hubby-licious.

Photo: Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/NykPrwynSiynrumNaikParveenSyndrome)
2. I am not a mother-in-law yet. I do not have a son who I married off only in the hopes of being blessed with a grandson right after (or even a little before) nine months of the wedding. So, I cannot celebrate your pregnancy updates.

Photo: Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/groups/213703592070993/)
Frankly, a doctor might provide better solutions than your Facebook friends.
3. Your child means the world to you. I get it. But he’s NOT my world. His pictures while pooping, throwing up, eating roti with saalan dripping from his tiny mouth are actually a tad disgusting.

Photo: Facebook page
All I can say to you is,
“Get a life!”
And if that means that you need to delete me, well, so be it!
4. “Happy birthday IK. We all love you. And the ones who don’t are not qualified to fall in the homo sapiens category of animals.”
Seriously?
I guess I fell in that category because apparently I am not friends with these gaga IK lovers anymore.
Well, their loss.
5. I was ‘un-friended’ for this status,
“You are a second or two more than the biological age that socially qualifies for pouting at every given picture.”
I really do not think I was saying anything wrong. But I guess I offended some kitty.
6. And then, there was this status,
“Yes, I am a grammar Nazi. If I am courteous enough not to take a red pen and pluck at your spelling errors, do not mind my shared posts from the grammar pages.”

Photo: Facebook page
I guess someone didn’t like being told that their spelling and punctuation was all over the place.
7. When did He in the Heavens promise paradise to those who were as ‘Saudi’ as possible? How does every catastrophe turn out to be a Yahudi sazish (Jewish conspiracy)? I ask because I really do not get it. Apparently my asking was a sazish too… yup, un-friended again!
8. I gossiped about her fake lashes falling in a cup of coffee only with my best friend’s aunt and a few others. How could she delete me for this precious piece of information that remained between us only?
9. No, I do not want to know where you are at every minute of the day! Or who you are with!

Photo: Pinterest
10. Does disagreeing with every post, by someone who I do not like very much, qualify me for being blocked on Facebook?
Sadly, I think it does.
Can you please tell me why I am being sent to the gallows on Facebook?
I would really appreciate it.
Much love.

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